I did it. I had reached my goal. One year and nine months after starting I had lost nearly 120 lbs. I was in the best shape of my life. I had muscle definition everywhere (even abs). I felt incredible, accomplished, and excited.
Except for one thing.
For the past 21 months, I had been laser-focused. My life was centered around this one goal: lose 100 lbs. I did all the right things, worked out every day, passed up on all the opportunities to eat bad, and I had made it. Then the question set in…
I thought my life would be perfect now. I no longer had all the excess fat that I was so self-conscious about for so long. I could look good in just about anything now. I got to buy all new clothes. I could run and not get tired so fast. I had energy and confidence, and I was ready to take on the world.
But I had never considered what I would do when I got here. All the things I had looked forward to were here now. I thought they would be all I needed. One of the things I was really looking forward to was a celebratory meal. I was ready to indulge in those things I had avoided for so long. After all, I had “earned it”, and best of all I had “plenty of room to work with now.”
Fast forward 8 months and I had gained back 45 lbs.
I mean, I had done it. I was there. Everything should have been great. Why did this happen?
This wasn’t the first time this had happened. I had lost more than 80 lbs. on three different occasions. Yes, you read that right. There was a pattern here. I would fight hard to lose the weight, only to put it back on again later, over and over again.
Something was off.
I had to figure out what. I had to get to the bottom of this.
Have you ever been there? Losing the weight, feeling great, then slowly putting it back on? Or maybe you’ve tried to lose weight, only to hit a wall and give up, resorting to “start over tomorrow”?
At first, I thought I just needed to find the “perfect diet”. You know, that elusive plan that will finally make the difference. Then again, maybe it was the perfect exercise program I needed - one that I could do for the rest of my life and stay in amazing shape.
There was a problem with my search, though. I would never really find that “perfect plan”.
Deep inside, I knew it.
The problem wasn’t the diet plan. It wasn’t the exercise program. The truth is, many of those are pretty good and will give you great results. You just have to stick with them. That presents a major problem, too.
I had started and stopped various diets and exercise programs more times than I can count. I knew now that finding that perfect one wasn’t the problem. That was just an excuse that I had made up to explain why I was where I was.
Something else was going on here. It was something deep below the surface. It was more than building good habits or being consistent. Something was off. Something kept pulling me right back to where I started. I felt like I was battling against another “me”. I knew the right choices to make, but something convinced me to make the other ones. I knew I needed to work out today, but something convinced me to put it off until tomorrow. I knew the right thing to do, but the “other me” persuaded me otherwise. It was a constant battle. Where did this “other me” come from? Why was he here and so convincing?
I knew if I could figure that out, I’d find my answer.
I started digging into my subconscious. I started becoming more aware of all the thoughts and scripts running through my brain. I began to discover where they were coming from. It was a place I didn’t expect, but it made perfect sense.
Something, or maybe a lot of somethings, happened to me that birthed this other me, this “confident imposter”. He convinced me that I was someone else. He convinced me that the fit, healthy person in the mirror wasn’t me. He convinced me to return to the old version of me, the one who was out of shape and overweight. He was sneaky. He was that voice in my head that said, “It’s okay to eat this, this time. It’s a special occasion.” He’s the one who made me feel terrible for failing at my diet or missing a workout.
I knew if I could get rid of him, I could find what I was really looking for. I knew that my mission now wasn’t to lose weight. It was to get the “real me” back. It was going to be a journey. I was going to have to dig up some things that were long buried. I was willing to finally go to the place I had been avoiding all along. My heart needed healing if I wanted to be the best version of myself on the inside and the outside.
I decided to finally become me again.
For real this time.
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